On the shelf henceforth, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
I chose that fate once, feeling really chuffed.
I was 39 then, and licking my wounds from a 12-year relationship that largely thrived on my need to prove I made the right choice.
When the red mist cleared and the tears dried up, I experienced an unfamiliar kind of euphoria: being freed from a prison of my own making.
Suddenly, I was the boss of me. I bought my first home, took solo trips, answered to no one (read: no longer justified my whereabouts at 2am).
But I guess Cupid must have LOL-ed at my naivete.
A year later, out of the blue, I met someone. We are now middle-aged parents with a toddler, and will be married for five years come August.
Not everyone treads the same boards though. By circumstance, or choice.
Based on figures by the Singapore Department of Statistics, the number of singles in Singapore was over 700,000 between 1983 and 2002. It rose to over 800,000 from 2003 to 2005, before climbing to the 900,000 and up bracket in 2006.
In 2010, it crossed the million mark, landing at a grand total of 1,058,900 as of 2019. Of this number, 13.4 per cent are aged 45 and up.
Among them are Suzanne Lim, 47, and Aaron Goh, 51.
SHE SAYS
Some people are solo by choice. I guess you can say I’m one of them.
If I were more hung up about it, I’d bother with going on dating apps and websites. But frankly, I can’t be arsed.
And not because I didn’t give things a go.
On a lark, a friend had set up a Tinder account for me a few years ago. I checked out my options. Wah piang, they were tremendously slim! Even he had to admit it.
Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of dates and relationships. But I can’t say it was specifically in search of The One.
I grew up with society’s notion that I would one day be married with kids.
How could one not?
But I have never heard my biological clock ticking, so I was in no hurry to get hitched and start a family. I didn’t look at friends with kids and think to myself “I need that in my life, pronto”.
Seeing some of their marriages go horribly pear-shaped validates my decision to go solo. Some of my friends’ exes have made their lives a misery.
Then there’s the constant worrying over the kids, as a parent.
I’m quite glad I don’t have to deal with schooling/streaming/Math modelling/are they hanging out with the wrong crowd/spending too much time online/teenage angst.
Had I gotten married, I think my life would be exactly like that of those tired and frazzled parents I know and see… The horror, the horror!
It’s just as well that I never had a “life plan” – married by 30, first kid by 32 , and such – which I know some women do.
I am more about going with the flow. There was no rush to get a box ticked.
I’ve never come close to walking down the aisle either. There was one guy whom I thought I might take that leap with. But eventually, the relationship ended because we weren’t able to sustain it long distance.
I’d rather enjoy good meals, go to concerts and the theatre, travel (unfortch, COVID-19 has put the kibbutz on that), and play mahjong. I’m lucky I have an inner circle of friends to enjoy all that with.
Having people on the same wavelength, whose opinions and advice I trust, whom I’m able to speak freely to and disagree with, and still want to have dinner and hang out afterwards – that’s a godsend.
We call ourselves “The Tribe” – we’ve had meetings about new persons (one guy I was dating did not fare well with the rest, and did not last long), and taken annual tribal holidays (pre- COVID-19). We share professional advice, home improvement tips, and such.
So my social life is as busy as I like it to be. Some weekends are packed, some are quiet.
I welcome that. There is no longer the need to be out every night or weekend, which admittedly was something I did in my 20s and early to mid-30s.
Being solo provides freedom and solitude of the best kind. But first, you have to enjoy your own company. I know people who can’t even contemplate eating alone in a restaurant!
I love that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and be answerable to no one for my decisions.
I never feel lonely. I have family, friends, my dog, the Internet and Netflix. That’s plenty of company!
And while I joke about how it’d be nice to have a man pay for my jewellery, it’s satisfying to know everything is bought with my own dime which I worked hard and earned.
The self-sufficiency is what I’m proud of; for a single woman, that is empowering.
Do I see myself staying solo for the rest of my life? Oh yeah.
Of course, there’s the perennial issue of who will look after me when I get old.
Among friends, we’ve actually talked about moving closer to one another as we get older, perhaps even consider moving in together and setting up our own little retirement village.
We make sure we’re all looking out for one another. You know, leave a set of spare keys with someone so if she doesn’t hear from me in 24 hours, she lets herself in to check if I’m still alive. No one wants to be the foul odour coming out from the neighbour’s flat!
I am hopeful that the support for seniors in the future will be that much more advanced, that Singapore will actually have proper assisted living facilities. The reality is the future will have lots of people like me without children to rely on.
Financially, I think most of us are savvy enough to plan how we’ll support ourselves in the future. It’s more about the social support network.
I’m working on becoming better friends with my friends’ kids so one of them can be my power of attorney!
HE SAYS
I am currently solo by choice.
When I was in my 20s, it was not really what I had planned. I had wanted to get married and settle down in California, where I had spent more than half my life. A life in Asia or Singapore was not on the cards.
Then, as I got older, life and family commitments got in the way.
I made the switch from the media industry to the education management industry in my mid-30s, and decided to try and rebuild my career.
A romantic relationship didn’t climb high on my list of priorities. I did not date too regularly as I was – and still am – very selective.
Besides, it was also very difficult being an Asian and dating in California, where I spent more than half my life. Despite all my years spent there and how my friends considered me “local”, it was not a breeze.
The person I was interested in either did not feel it was mutual, or just wanted to be friends.
So you may be surprised to know I almost walked down the aisle. TWICE.
The first time, I had returned to Singapore as my family wanted me to keep my Singapore citizenship. She and I maintained a long distance relationship for a while, but we were young and it was very challenging. Things fizzled out.
The second time, she and I eventually felt we were better off as friends. We still are, to this day.
My approach to relationships remains status quo. If it happens, it happens. It has to be with the right person.
I grew up with society’s notion that I would one day be married with kids. So here’s another revelation that may shock you: I actually want kids.
But at my age, not the marriage part.
If I find a life partner, excellent. If I can adopt or somehow have some kids of my own, excellent.
Either way, I very seldom, and randomly, go on dates. I am happy to just meet up with a few good friends, or spend time by myself.
That is, if I do have some time to spare. Unfortunately, I spend a lot of – sometimes, I know it is too much – time at work or dealing with work. I need to have better work-life balance.
With the current pandemic, I only plan to go out about once or twice a week at the max. I have aged parents, so I am also very careful about where I go.
If I do go out, it is usually with my inner circle of friends. We don’t see each other all the time, but the chat messages go on daily.
As I get older, I prefer to have 15 to 20 friends whom I hope I can call on in times of need, with at least four or five who can come to my “rescue”.
I do feel lonely sometimes. I think everyone will always feel lonely at some point or other.
But there is something very beautiful about the solitude singledom brings. And as I get older, I have definitely become more set in my ways.
I can decide to do whatever I want, or eat wherever I want without someone possibly disagreeing with my choice.
And living on my own means I have the choice to decorate however I prefer.
Still, as with most single persons, there are days when I wish I had a partner to celebrate life’s simple pleasures. Such as a nice bottle of wine or weekend getaways (when we can travel!).
I enjoy and really miss going on travels. Being single means I can pack and go whenever I want – except when work and family commitments come into the equation.
Now and again, I also miss the part of my life that is still back in California. I try to keep in contact with friends there, in the hope that I will see them again soon.
Being single, to me, is not a form of empowerment. It is more a lifestyle choice.
I can’t speak for others but to me, there is no stigma to that status. I think after a certain age, people don’t care.
I live alone, and am happy to just relax and have a glass of wine or whiskey after a long day at work. That’s as exciting as it gets!
Do I see myself staying solo for the rest of my life? If I find someone whom I feel can be my life partner, awesome. If not, c’est la vie.
Would I give up the solo life if I happen to meet The One? Never say never.
After all, we never thought a random virus originating in China would end up leading to a global pandemic, did we?
